3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
