felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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