I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
