I am spending my child support on dildos
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
