I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
