You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We smell like vodka and hangover
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