the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
