dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize