The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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