Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize