Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
