very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
