I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Congratulations! We have a period
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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