Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
