I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
