so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
