The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
