If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
