At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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