I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We smell like vodka and hangover
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