Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
