Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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