I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
