When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
