I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
