Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
