I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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