She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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