I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
