she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
