Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
