farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
