That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
