My friends, they love my intelligence
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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