Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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