I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I supernannyed him into submission
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
