trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
