Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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