I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
