how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There are leaves in my underwear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
