When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
