Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
