Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Blood and glitter go together right?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
