The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just googled if crying burns calories
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
