You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
