just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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