The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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