I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize