I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
