I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
