tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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