this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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