Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
