I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
