wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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