i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
