just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We have started to decorate penises.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
