apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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