I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
