i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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